| This is dedicated
to Catty, who wanted to visit you but couldn't.
5 days of Lila
When I trudged my bags out of my friend's car and started walking up to
the little purple house with the little fence, I noticed the door open and
Linda came out to greet me with open arms.
I gotta say that I became comfortable quite quickly as I seemed to fit into
their household well. I like cats, I love to look at stuff and they got
plenty of stuff to look at, I like Mikee's cooking and looking at his artwork,
and I don't mind using the bathroom with others. I really dug the fact that
I didn't have to be up early in the morning. That I had my own little room
with an adjustable bed, cd player and phone. And I got used to the late
night dinners and videos. I managed to stay awake!
The first night I arrived was the performance and I had no idea what to
expect. I brought my costume of black bra adorned with two round mirrors
and long skirt with a light that you push on and off stuck into my underwear.
Frank warned me that it might come off during the jam. OK, this was gonna
be a wild night!
The ramen was the funkiest underground space with wicked graffiti on the
walls inside and flyers and stickers everywhere. At first impression it
may have seemed a bit rough and cold but it quickly warmed up as people
arrived to set up. I met a lot of people who I've read and communicated
with on the e-salon. Since these are the first "internet friends"
I've ever made, it was like meeting all these colourful characters from
an interactive book. Dorothy Jesse Beagle, Teresa, Alexi, Cory, John the
Baker, Gio, Bob (to name a few) - I was inspired and amazed by all of you
and the community you live within.
The night started out with Jesse and her powerfully read poem of freedom.
Frank came on next dancing and singing Totalitarian State, then JtB kicking
ass on the acoustic with Frank backing him up.
The energy was building. Frank's wheelchair seemed to be an island in a
sea of movement. Then Azigza went on and knocked us out with their improvisations.
Fluff Grrl went on next and reminded me why I was afraid of punk rock when
I was young. Ha! They were good and did some shocking stuff - totally hardcore
I was busy taking photos but I ended up talking to many people, mostly from
Fluff Grrl. It was a great party. Then the jam started. I was dancing. I
was on stage. I was really glad I have long hair to hang in front of my
My crotch was glowing and I started swaying to the music which became a
wall of sound. I saw Linda and Teresa start to roll against one another
and didn't know how to get in there without looking awkward so I just kept
dancing in the background. The drum cymbles were lit on fire and quickly
after that my bra was off and my skirt came down. I wanted the light to
stay so I ended up in my underwear with the light and put my skirt over
my shoulders and arms like a cape.
The music was entrancing and I became one with the others. I was doing things
I never thought I would have but it wasn't so bad at all. I liked the power
of being on stage and playing with everyone. Mics were being passed around
and it seemed like the line between performers and audience was nonexistent.
The whole night built up to that jam and it was powerful. the vibe was wide
open at that point - everyone grinning and feeling peaceful, fulfilled.
A good night.
(so far so good? This may be long so I'll split it into parts. This is part
1. Part 2 coming soon...)
days in Lila: part 2
The performance was not really what I imagined it to be. The wall-of-sound
jam at the end was quite a trance inducing shamanic ritual. Everyone felt
When we got back home we had some great soup cooked by Alexi. I was in
bed by about 5:30am. At 8am I got up to got the bathroom dressed in my
long-johns. I found Linda and Frank having a bath. Of course, immediately
my courtesy ramped up and I had to ask Mikee if it was ok if I went in.
He said sure and I was glad cause I really had to go! Also, I could feel
the boundaries we impose on ourselves, the privacy of our human functions.
Because those boundaries came down so naturally at Frank's, it just made
those boundaries in my life more obvious.
Sleeping in the studio was fun. Not only was it warm and cozy and quiet,
but I got to listen to music as I fell asleep like I usually do. There
was plenty of stuff to check out and windows all around overlooking the
wonderful garden. I saw the bluebird that hangs around and plays with
the squirrel. I also saw a dove one morning. And the fern was totally
Sunday was our day of rest. That day I went for a walk and checked out
the sculpture garden. The sun was shining and there was a cool breeze.
I went to Picante and had some mexican food and then we went to the Organic
Cafe for dinner. Yummmmmm!!!
Oh yeah, I have to ad that on sunday I found the folder for the sessions
and I peaked at it. I read a little and then put it away. I knew that
without proper context, it could be confusing. So I put it away content
to know that I would learn soon enough.
Monday was the first day in the cave of Lila. Going into this, I had all
the doubts and fears that most people have. You know, all the little nagging
ones at the back of my brain that were convincing me this was nuts and
wouldn't it just be so much nicer to sit around in the sun or do something
easy. The one thing I had to override those doubts and fears was not only
trust in myself but also an overwhelming challenge and sense of adventure.
If I didn't check it out, I would never know! And I had to find out because
it had intrigued so much right up to the doorstep. Frank has kept me in
awe of what he does, how he sees and expresses himself. How he creates
and manifests these creations through himself and others. I had to keep
going because, although it was unknown - could be scary and dark
I figured it probably wasn't. My skepticism was still intact and they
never once made me feel inadequate or socially uncomfortable in any way.
I just joined into the events of the home and was joyously welcomed. So,
I figured it couldn't be all that bad. And if it was, wouldn't that be
a story to tell!
The session started after a good lunch and we started by reading. Most
of the text seemed to be derived from much of Frank's work. It takes many
beliefs, philosophies, theories and faiths and blends them into a cohesive
narrative that isn't particularly linear but rythmic. We did many things
in that first session. I did some silly things. Some sexy things. It's
like I was tight and Frank was loosening me up. I read one of his poems
and started to cry. My recent hatred for the world came to the surface
and I realized that I came to Frank for help. Help to see that the world
wasn't some hateful damnation and that humans weren't some screwed up
naked monkeys hell bent on destroying everything.
When speaking with Frank, I didn't see the pointer and board after awhile
- but I did need to write some things down every so often. What got me
was that looking into Frank's eyes said so much. Like support, understanding.
Like a friend only a guide - a teacher. One you really like.
I had a great time that night. Afterwards was a glow that took hours to
simmer down. My face in a permanent grin. Dinner was fulfilling and then
I dragged myself to bed. The next morning I figured I was still anxious
about the next session. But how bad could it be? What other crazy things
am I gonna do? Ha!
That'll be in part 3. (maybe the last part?)
p.s. reliving this is great therapy!
5 days in Lila: part 3
I wasn't expecting to be so elated after the first session. I couldn't
stop smiling and my knees felt rubbery. When I woke up the next day the
sun was shining and I went for a ride on the bike out to the organic cafe
where the trio took me for dinner Sunday night. It's a great place that
cooks macrobiotic vegetarian food and has a workshare program and benches
that everyone sits at. I ate lunch while having a chat with a gentleman
who seemed much younger in years than he actually admitted. I was feeling
very peaceful and small talk wasn't difficult. A very pleasant day all
I was still a bit nervous about the next session. I mean, there were 4
more days to go! What the hell would I be doing? Many things were coming
to the surface of my mind and i tried to remember many of them so I could
discuss them with Frank. I began to remember times in my life that felt
kinda shameful and it was a little confusing but I remained in trust to
myself that this was a healing process. I was becoming aware of how my
whole life has been a discovery, one that will never end, and that I was
uncovering deep seeded fears from years gone by. These things had always
been sitting upon shelves in my mind, getting dusty but never less present.
Now I was blowing off the dust and really looking at them. Then I understood
the meaning of the lovers in the cave.
During the first session, Frank told me that we were in the cave and that
we were lovers in every sense. Not specifically sexual lovers, but sexy
for sure. Playful and childish. During the day before the second session
I became aware as to what it meant. We were lovers with lives entwined.
I have that experience with Nic and I understood what the trust meant
and why I wanted to explore some of my most intimate memories at the next
session. I had been feeling a little homesick when I arrived on Saturday,
however, that sick feeling was now replaced with a feeling of love. I
felt truly loved and it felt good.
The second session started. Frank asked me to put on a more colourful
top, and I agreed - maybe not verbally but I totally agreed and dove into
the trunk with abandon. I found a great number all red and orange with
stripes and patterns. Matched the red skirt with tribal faces. The whole
point of the sessions was to be open. Open physically and mentally and
emotionally and verbally and spiritually. Just open up. So the clothes
were open. When we talked we touched. It felt like lovers, friends, comfortable
yet always with that 'what the blazin begeezes is gonna come next?!' feeling.
Exciting yet relaxed. Balanced.
We talked a lot about chero and something called vere which is pleasurable
'pain' (not like totally painful pain, but the pain that you would get
like from a tatoo or something). This really struck a chord in me because
I have noticed my reaction to vere. It had frightened me at first since
it seemed so overwhelming but while reading Frank's script of the day
and finding out that this was actually an ancient way of attaining spiritual
ends it started to make more sense to me. A lot of what I read during
our times in the cave seemed to answer questions that hadn't yet formulated
in my mind. I also found this talking with Linda, that many things I wanted
to know where made available to me before I could clearly see them. I
asked questions too but the information coming at me was pretty intense.
Now I know why it's called an intensive. And I made it worse by only staying
I found that the writing of the second session overlapped some of the
points from the first only the information revealed a little more. Unwrapping
truths. I wouldn't have understood this if I had only participated once.
The second day was deeper than the first. I was fully in trance and melting
with Frank, the cave, the garden. I think at one point Linda went into
the storage shed which is attached to the studio and the noise fully freaked
me out. i jumped as paranoia that someone was violently trying to get
in washed over me. I probably freaked Frank out more than the sound did.
Whew! i had to laugh and then it wasn't so hard to get back into the melting.
Afterwards I was smiling again. I couldn't help it. It was a natural reaction.
My knees were rubbery as I made my way back into the house. Ummmmm...dinner,
and Feisto! Then to bed.
(more parts to come!)
5 days in Lila: part 4
Well, memory is taking its toll and I'm mixing things up, but only in
a linear way. What happened during which session is blurring together.
So, just to bring myself up to speed....
The first session was gentle and soft. An easing in. The second, quite
the opposite - hardcore. I was dunking my head in. After the second session
I was really excited for the third. I didn't care what happened next,
I was ready. However, I wasn't sure if I would make leaps and bounds through
every session like it felt I did during the second. There were 3 more
days and I knew there would be more suprises.
I awoke to Linda's voice...on the intercom. Freaked me out. Thought they
were trying to tell me something so I got outta bed and went into the
house. Ha! It just didn't get turned off from the night before. The intercom
is used so that Frank can get you to call Linda or Mikee into the studio.
In fact, Frank Linda and Mikee have made that place so organized, simple
and clean that all you need is there. Tons of books and pictures and records
and cds - and yet no mess! How do they do it? When I told Nic he said
"like magic!" and it was. So colourful and quaint and cozy.
Even with all Frank's rigging and gear you hardly notice. It all blends
in with tie-dyed glory. The computers, the phones, the bike that appeared
after I mentioned wanting to ride one - all of it there when you need
it. Better than any Best Western around. And it was very communal in itself
and then extending to the house down the street and others in the area
and then there I was all the way from the northeast.
Another beautiful day to take a bike ride. Another craving for Picante's
mexican food. I was anxious for the session so I just took it easy until
it was time. I was getting nervous about how intense the last session
had been. Had I been too much? Too pushy? Too aggressive? I know I have
that in my nature. At the show on Saturday night I was dancing a little
too aggressively and bonked my head against Linda and probably a couple
of other people as well. All this coming out. Like puss from a wound.
That was the first thing I mentioned once the session started. And Frank
put it pretty simply EJECT THE TAPE. Ok, so easily said than done. But
was it really just an annoying tape in my head that I had the power to
destroy? Yes. I had thought it was some part of myself that I had to incorporate
into me or supress probably making worse. But put this way...maybe it
was that simple. Then he told me I'm good at faking it and I understood
what he meant right away. I have a lot of tapes inside my head telling
me that I've done something wrong or that I'm not good enough (for what?
anything) or that I did this too much or too little. Making me feel like
shit. Me making me feel like shit. What a shit. See? There it is. However,
if I allowed my life to be run by these tapes I sure wouldn't have ever
found myself at FLM's doing what I was doing. I have faked myself around
these tapes. Oh sure, I give them power by just letting them exist. But
then I override them and tell myself to go for it. To do what makes you
happy. Even if you're a no good shit - get out there and have fun!!! OK,
so if I'm faking it why don't I just eject the damn things and then I
don't have to struggle around them, right? I'm ejecting tapes everyday.
And everytime I do, something magical happens. I still have some that
run and others I thought I ejected come back again, but I just eject them
everytime I can. What work! Life is work! And I'm dedicated to making
my life work.
Before the session I heard Frank ask Mikee to get the sticks. Oh. There
they lay on the table beside me - heavy wood sticks from Australia. We
talked more about vere, going a little deeper with the subject. The feeling
had frightened me at first because of its power and that I became more
physically intense to the point of 'pain'. It had felt at times like I
wanted to whack myself in the crotch. So, Frank told me to do that. With
one of the sticks. And I did. I danced and beat my cunt like a drum. And
my whole body felt like it was lit-up like a christmas tree. Then I had
to call in Linda and Mikee to show them and we agreed that I would do
that at the next performance I'm at. Oh yeah, and I got Nic to agree that
he would be there too. Can't miss that one! The congo cunt!
Our third time in the cave was a combination of the first and second.
I was in full trance. I love the little noises from Frank/Feisto like
something small and close and tickling. Cooing gently and soothing. I
miss it very much and it is getting harder to write because of this. Memories
getting richer with time. Also mixing with my circumstances here. Walls
are more evident. Things I'm afraid of are more apparent. But also I am
more relaxed and more open. I knew this was a beginning. Like learning
to fly - I am the student learning from the teacher but now the teacher
is no longer with me physically/intensely so I have to rely on my own
power and what I've learned. And it is difficult for me to stay up sometimes.
But I will continue to learn and continue to do and then someday I will
After the session we watched Unlimited Possibilities and Big Willie was
on. Great show! You make Jay Leno look boring. Good dinner. Very tired.
5 days in Lila: part 5
I had to be up at 11am in order to meet Teresa. We were gonna go for a
walk through some of the parks in the neighbourhood. I checked out a map
and brought it with me. I knew Teresa through the e-salon and had read
some of her poems. I also saw a photo of her when she got a chocolate
cock for her birthday. I met her in person the night of the Freedom to
be Human Ball. She seemed shy to me at first which I wasn't expecting
and I admit that I also backed off a little when I noticed that she was
so quiet. I usually think that about myself and in some company I am so
quiet you can barely tell I'm breathing. And I notice that I tend to be
more open and communicative with someone when they're like that too. So,
my shyness came out and I was a little nervous about hanging out with
her but nothing to really stop me. I knew we had stuff in common and that
there would be plenty to do with each other.
I picked her up and we started our walk. First to a little park I had
located on the map and then we would take it from there. We chatted and
sat in the park for awhile. We both smoke but she had forgotten her pipe
so I indulged in a clove and we checked out the map for another place
to go. We found a very long skinny park and had a nice walk through it
til we ended up at this crazy climbing equipment. It was metal and very
abstract with a lot to climb on. Teresa felt it up while I went to go
down the huge slide, but it had a baloney sandwich smeared down it so
I went down the smaller curly slide instead. Anti-climax. So, I went back
to Teresa and had another smoke. We were talking about Frank and what
it means to be a part of the community. I asked a lot of questions and
Teresa was open and also seemed to be coming to some conclusions herself.
At one point a teenage stud muffin comes up to us to take a better look
at Teresa. He thought he had recognized her so we introduced each other
and shook his hand. Then I waited a beat and didn't feel that T was gonna
feel him up. She was supposed to feel up everyone since that's her way
of checking out what people look like. So just before he got away I asked
him if T could feel his face. He said sure right away without any hesitation.
He was really nice and took off right away to go wait for a friend. He
seemed a little nervous and you could just feel the energy. To take that
energy and work with it, turn it into something. If he had stayed and
talked. You know, that's where Frank lives. He grabs those moments. Whatever
anyone else does is ok but he's there and anything is possible. And that's
where Frank is, and he's trying to show us that we're all there we just
have to see it.
T and I continued through the park and then went to get lunch. Hey, we're
right near that Smokey Joe's place FLM told me about. Let's go! New meaning
to the blind leading the blind but T did fine and rescued me from getting
lost a couple of times.
When we walked in I told her how many people were there ( 2 at the counter
and 2 behind the counter) and then I said it would be easy to feel them
all up. So I went to the bathroom as she proceeded to touch everyone in
T and I had talked about Frank wanting her to do this and how she felt
about it and how I saw it. After asking the guy in the park whether T
could feel him up left me feeling a little like a school kid again when
I would whisper answers to the kids who were called on but didn't know
the answers. The teacher would always scold me for it and so I felt for
just a little while like Frank would scold me for helping her. She had
to do it. She wanted to do it! That was the thing. She was just afraid
to. and so I said the worst that could happen is they say no and you learn
something. But that is easier said than done. The person has to come to
terms with that on their own. And she was. Right then and there.
The guys behind the counter were great and talked to us the whole time.
We even got a name and phone #! I was so amazed! But I figured Berkeley
would be one of the easiest places for that to happen. When we got home,
full and happy and still talking about our childhoods etc. I left T and
then told the whole story to FLM. I wasn't afraid of telling that I had
helped her because Frank really isn't the kind of teacher that will scold
you. He kicks ass! And besides, what the hell did I do wrong anyway? Then
I discovered T wanted to ask me to eroplay and we had agreed to meet the
next day, but she hadn't asked me yet. Those little mexican jumping beans
in my stomach didn't calm down right up until she did. (more on that later)
The sessions started later and later as the week went on. I didn't mind
at all and in fact I found that instead of read which I really wanted
to do - those Paul Krassner books are still on my list - I really really
wanted to just sit with Frank and Linda and talk. Mikee was usually in
the kitchen or garden or on the computer but he came and joined in at
times too. The stories were incredible! I've told some of them to people
here and every jaw drops and all you hear from the listeners are "whoa"
and "wow". And none of those stories even had any nudity! They
have no idea.
Frank had said that talking was part of the session. I think just about
every experience I had was. When we talked we were relaxed and comfortable.
I never felt as though anything had to be hurried. Everything had its
time and so i never really noticed time lagging on or anything. There
was a certain rhythm to each day.
During each time with Frank, I read a script that he wrote. I forget the
exact words, but I will re-read them soon. Much of the writing was repeated
in greater context the next day until the final day when the whole myth
of the magical experience becomes actual and fully realized. Ecstatic
experiences, dancing and storytelling, healing, pleasurable pain, sensual
communication with the world, and the birth of our self-consciousness.
I would read while caressing Frank and sometimes the reading would be
interrupted with discussion. There wasn't a lot of holding back. At one
point, we discussed responsibility - a personal favorite. About how we're
all responsible for us since, ya know, we're all part of the same big
mass of stuff. I then mentioned 'bush' and then went headlong into a whirlwind
of how we're responsible for him. And I guess I went down that slippery
slope pretty fast. The usual territory. It took Frank a lot of yellin
to derail me. I was told not to bring him into it. Then I acted like a
real kid and I zipped right up. I didn't understand and so I threw a silent
tantrum by dryly reading on - turning dry or cold - both metaphors work.
And I figured he would ask me what was up. That's what I wanted because
I was afraid to bring it up again but I needed it explained to me. And
when Frank asked me, he asked me how I felt and I said I felt confused
and he explained it to me. I was taking responsibility for people like
corrupt politicians, but I can really only be responsible for what I do.
I can really only speak from my own mouth, move my own hands. I had been
taking the weight of all the assholes of the world on my shoulders. A
lot of this is because I can see their weakness and I can identify with
it. I suppose we all can. But they have choices as I do and they have
chosen the low road. And I guess it's time for me to stop punishing myself
for their choices.
I like Frank's word for intimite - small. Our playing felt that way. Like
whispers or tickles or smiles between two people. Such tiny expresses
that pack a great deal of information. Very small.
After the euphoria set in we feasted as we watched the Black Panther bio.
Strong stuff and makes me mad. But very glad to have seen that bio as
it taught me a lot about things I have been misinformed about. I fell
asleep as my head hit the pillow..just like it's gonna do tonight.
5 days in Lila: part 6
The last day was a busy one. I awoke around 11am and got ready to ride
to Richmond. The Burnt Ramen to be specific where JTB resides and where
he keeps his cd's. I wanted to buy a cd because I saw him play during
the performance the first night I arrived. Screaming angry punk lyrics
over acoustic with Frank singing and dancing on the side - so right on!!!
I was so moved I had to join in during Fist Fuck the Pope and Fuck the
Fascist USA. Yellin along with Jesse Cleopatra James and Linda and others
really made me feel like I was among people who understood me a little,
and of course JTB was just giving a voice to the frustrated screaming
in my head. I know that's what punk is all about because once I grew up
I listened a little and got into some of it and John the Baker is totally
the real shit man. He's fuckin hardcore punk rocker 4 ever!!! And I totally
admire that dedication. And the songs are good!
So, I rode there. Took about an hour. When I got there John was in a small
back room that was a little like a jail cell with no bars. He was setting
up his record player so he could listen to his old 45s. We sat at a wooden
desk while he played me some classics. I love the names but can't remember
a lot of them now. Slimy Penis Breath takes the cake though. We talked
and I lost track of time. About _ hr had passed and I knew I had to meet
Teresa soon but I told him that I had to get back to eat. He said that
they would keep it warm for me for when I got back and then he said "do
you know everyone eats together in that house?". That was cool. I
was really amazed by his gentleness and innocence. JTB convinced me to
stay a little longer and we gabbed some more. The ride home was fun. Felt
like I went twice as fast as I did getting there.
I got back to the house and had to eat something but the only thing I
wanted was ice cream - peanut butter/chocolate. I ate a bowl and headed
off down the street to T's. When I got there we talked a bit and had a
smoke. She put some coffee on. I was nervous because she was gonna ask
me to eroplay. So, when it started to get unbearable I thought, I'll just
ask her. But no, I waited because I was even more nervous to ask! So she
went to lock the door and I knew this was it. Then she blurted it out
and I said yes and the tension just went away right then. I asked if we
would go into the bedroom. No, on the couch in front of the webcam?! OK!
I was naked in no time flat. Let's get down to business.
How very refreshing. Another woman. Curves familiar but not. And so soft.
Her long straight hair felt like silk and we melted on the patchwork couch
in front of a window to the digitized world. It was so much fun and so
relaxing. Everything I was learning became more pertinent but I didn't
think about it much. Just let the warmth enclose us and felt glowing happiness.
Oh yeah, and I kept hoping someone I knew was watching us on the web.
When I got back to the house FLM said they watched! No screen captures
though. Yeah! Another boundary crossed! Another hurdle overcome! The more
I did it the better I felt. All my fears were naught because once done
I felt better than ever! Not that I accomplished this one task, although
that's a small part of it. More like, I explored a dangerous part of myself,
a fearful part and nothing happened except that I felt really good. Like
the light turned on somewhere and you know that you can do more now because
that light is leading you out farther into the reaches of the unknown
- the unlimited possibilities. Ah ha!
The last session was very special because we couldn't believe it had gone
by so fast and this would be the last time we saw each other for awhile.
Well, until September at least. So, I read the last portion just trying
to revel in the feeling of being there. I have recently read all the sections
again and have a better clarity about what it's saying. However, reading
it for the first time that night really made an impact because it was
so obvious to me that I had met you because I was looking for someone
just like you. I was looking for someone who had taken a good look at
what was going on and had realized how to change it. I have been very
frustrated with the world lately. Since leaving college I've seen a lot
of greed, dishonesty and cruelty in the so-called "adult" world.
And sometimes it can be overwhelming, especially when you find yourself
working for a bank on the 62nd floor of a huge tower filled to the tits
with the straightest tightest soul-sucked and soul-sucking drones who
all want you to be like them, think like them, play their frightful games
of extravagance and glamour. Glamour is a guilded cage.
I was looking for something. Looking through writings on the web and in
books. Looking for it everywhere, the tv, movies, plays, at work, through
talking with others. A sense of sanity that I wasn't the only one with
big questions needing answers. I didn't care if anyone thought I was a
freak because I knew we all are. That the brain - our minds contain the
tools that we can use to change our reality. And that if i was a freak
for lookin, they were all bigger freaks for ignoring it. My discoveries
lead me to quantum physics and yoga and meditation and tantra and psychedelics.
All these bits of information and all these different voices was like
a schmorgesborg of information. I wanted some help with it, someone who
had been around a little longer, had more time to think, more experience
to draw from. I didn't want to seek a psychologist or psychiatrist as
I figured they were part of the problem. Books and other media were ok
but too detached. I would type things into search engines like "what
is the true nature of reality?" and I found some really cool stuff.
So, one day I decided that I would find a shaman. I knew shamans deal
with the unseen world(s) and that they transform negative energy into
positive energy. I typed in "Toronto Shaman" and up popped Frank.
He had been in town the summer before doing a performance called Dying
There are so many thoughts I have and so many things to say but the words
are just flowing out uncontrollably. Basically what I want to say is that
you were exactly what I was looking for. Intimate as you can get and many
of the pieces of the puzzle worked out in honest work/experience/life.
Which just proves all that I've learned, that you really create your own
reality. I wanted/needed you and I am so happy that we've met and played
together. I have just begun! All the searching will not stop but continue
with more of a foundation that has been built with strength and love and
more intimacy with others/life/this world. I was nervous coming to your
place. I didn't know if I'd fit in or if it would be unbearable in one
way or another. Bailing crossed my mind but just fleetingly. I was gonna
go for sure, staying was another matter. Concentrated skepticism which
practically melted away when Linda greeted me with open arms. All my fears
just disappeared and by early in the week I wanted to stay longer. It
was positively magic. Just what the doctor ordered.
After reading, I was told Linda was gonna whip me. We had a good laugh
about it and talked about s&m a little. The grand finale! The whipping
was really nice. We were all naked and it must have looked pretty kinky
but it really felt good. Tickly at first and then like a massage. When
it started to sting, which took a while, I was wincing and after a few
seconds we stopped. Gets the blood flowing! Now I'm into whips although
I don't have one or anything. I like talking to people and it's always
fun bringing up the topic.
Then Frank and I played together and I read a story about the magical
cave of Lila. Like a mirror reflecting itself, the story was reflecting
us on the bed playing. It was so beautiful with the garden lights and
the warmth of the studio. We melted caressed and fondled and stroked breathing
sighing gently. Just to feel good. Just to feel elated! Succumbing to
pleasure. Enjoying life.
We watched more of the Black Panther biography and it pissed me off. I
was practically growling at the screen and for some stuff I just couldn't
watch. That kind of police brutality makes me sick. We talked about servaillence
which fed into my dream that morning and I awoke slightly paranoid with
thoughts of being on candid camera. I left early. The morning was clear
and bright. Corey and Alexi came around back to see if I was up. I got
ready to go and felt such sadness. I didn't really want to go. It had
been too fast. I cried a little and then got myself to gether to meet
T in the car. We had a good chat to the airport.
Since being back I've had some time to digest my experience. For a little
while I really missed being there. Then I felt kinda down about being
where I was. So I rode it out and kept trusting. And I've just made a
powerful realization lately. That I was confused after college. Expected
and told and brainwashed into believing that I needed good job, one that
would let me "climb" to success which translated into money
and power. Really, I just told myself I wanted one of those cool industry
jobs where you get to listen to music, wear jeans everyday and play pool
on breaks but it was the same thing. After all these years and many interviews
and golden carrots dangling I know that I didn't get any of those jobs
because I wouldn't really do the one thing they all needed me to do -
conform. Climb the ladder. Want the moola. Want the glamour. I told myself
I wanted it, I needed it, but it was obvious to everyone that I really
don't. And I don't. That's why I am where I am right now. I'm not interested
in that. I'm more interested in learning.
So, with this realization I thought back to when I was young and what
I've always wanted to do. What are my real dreams that I've nurished since
I can remember? Not to have a glamourous job, control others, or count
money. I never dreamed of that. I never dreamed of eating at fancy restaurants
or wearing designer clothes. I dreamed of being creative. Building things,
investigating, discovering, learning. I dreamed of imagining things and
then creating them. I always wanted to collaborate with other creative
people. I love the energy that arises from a group of people all creating
something together - dreams entwined. I do this for myself and I will
never stop. I love to focus but also to mingle. Knowing that I'm part
of something larger than myself. This does not translate into money and
power. This translates into a full spectrum life of searching and discovering
and learning and feeling. I don't know where it will lead me, but I know
my dreams are still intact, still softly crouched in my wakan mind. My
washte brain just eclipsed it a little.
With this I have more confidence to continue. I'm going to move toward
getting work more suited to what I want. I have always believed that life
is work and that I will never retire. I will always do what I enjoy and
some of the comprimises I have to make today are just a portion of the
path I'm on. Since my dreams are intact, I know I'm always working toward
them. And what I will have when they're realized will be more valuable
than anything glamour is selling.
Wow! I hope I got everything I wanted to say in here. This is the final
part and I'm glad you've enjoyed it. It really has helped me make sense
of it all but there is so much more I just don't have the words for yet.
Thank you for such a wonderous time. I can't wait until we play together
Congo Cunt here I come!
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