This is dedicated to Catty, who wanted to visit you but couldn't.

5 days of Lila

When I trudged my bags out of my friend's car and started walking up to the little purple house with the little fence, I noticed the door open and Linda came out to greet me with open arms.

I gotta say that I became comfortable quite quickly as I seemed to fit into their household well. I like cats, I love to look at stuff and they got plenty of stuff to look at, I like Mikee's cooking and looking at his artwork, and I don't mind using the bathroom with others. I really dug the fact that I didn't have to be up early in the morning. That I had my own little room with an adjustable bed, cd player and phone. And I got used to the late night dinners and videos. I managed to stay awake!

The first night I arrived was the performance and I had no idea what to expect. I brought my costume of black bra adorned with two round mirrors and long skirt with a light that you push on and off stuck into my underwear. Frank warned me that it might come off during the jam. OK, this was gonna be a wild night!

The ramen was the funkiest underground space with wicked graffiti on the walls inside and flyers and stickers everywhere. At first impression it may have seemed a bit rough and cold but it quickly warmed up as people arrived to set up. I met a lot of people who I've read and communicated with on the e-salon. Since these are the first "internet friends" I've ever made, it was like meeting all these colourful characters from an interactive book. Dorothy Jesse Beagle, Teresa, Alexi, Cory, John the Baker, Gio, Bob (to name a few) - I was inspired and amazed by all of you and the community you live within.

The night started out with Jesse and her powerfully read poem of freedom. Frank came on next dancing and singing Totalitarian State, then JtB kicking ass on the acoustic with Frank backing him up.

The energy was building. Frank's wheelchair seemed to be an island in a sea of movement. Then Azigza went on and knocked us out with their improvisations. Fluff Grrl went on next and reminded me why I was afraid of punk rock when I was young. Ha! They were good and did some shocking stuff - totally hardcore underground.

I was busy taking photos but I ended up talking to many people, mostly from Fluff Grrl. It was a great party. Then the jam started. I was dancing. I was on stage. I was really glad I have long hair to hang in front of my face.

My crotch was glowing and I started swaying to the music which became a wall of sound. I saw Linda and Teresa start to roll against one another and didn't know how to get in there without looking awkward so I just kept dancing in the background. The drum cymbles were lit on fire and quickly after that my bra was off and my skirt came down. I wanted the light to stay so I ended up in my underwear with the light and put my skirt over my shoulders and arms like a cape.

The music was entrancing and I became one with the others. I was doing things I never thought I would have but it wasn't so bad at all. I liked the power of being on stage and playing with everyone. Mics were being passed around and it seemed like the line between performers and audience was nonexistent. The whole night built up to that jam and it was powerful. the vibe was wide open at that point - everyone grinning and feeling peaceful, fulfilled. A good night.

(so far so good? This may be long so I'll split it into parts. This is part 1. Part 2 coming soon...)


5 days in Lila: part 2

The performance was not really what I imagined it to be. The wall-of-sound jam at the end was quite a trance inducing shamanic ritual. Everyone felt so good.

When we got back home we had some great soup cooked by Alexi. I was in bed by about 5:30am. At 8am I got up to got the bathroom dressed in my long-johns. I found Linda and Frank having a bath. Of course, immediately my courtesy ramped up and I had to ask Mikee if it was ok if I went in. He said sure and I was glad cause I really had to go! Also, I could feel the boundaries we impose on ourselves, the privacy of our human functions. Because those boundaries came down so naturally at Frank's, it just made those boundaries in my life more obvious.

Sleeping in the studio was fun. Not only was it warm and cozy and quiet, but I got to listen to music as I fell asleep like I usually do. There was plenty of stuff to check out and windows all around overlooking the wonderful garden. I saw the bluebird that hangs around and plays with the squirrel. I also saw a dove one morning. And the fern was totally prehistoric!

Sunday was our day of rest. That day I went for a walk and checked out the sculpture garden. The sun was shining and there was a cool breeze. I went to Picante and had some mexican food and then we went to the Organic Cafe for dinner. Yummmmmm!!!

Oh yeah, I have to ad that on sunday I found the folder for the sessions and I peaked at it. I read a little and then put it away. I knew that without proper context, it could be confusing. So I put it away content to know that I would learn soon enough.

Monday was the first day in the cave of Lila. Going into this, I had all the doubts and fears that most people have. You know, all the little nagging ones at the back of my brain that were convincing me this was nuts and wouldn't it just be so much nicer to sit around in the sun or do something easy. The one thing I had to override those doubts and fears was not only trust in myself but also an overwhelming challenge and sense of adventure. If I didn't check it out, I would never know! And I had to find out because it had intrigued so much right up to the doorstep. Frank has kept me in awe of what he does, how he sees and expresses himself. How he creates and manifests these creations through himself and others. I had to keep going because, although it was unknown - could be scary and dark – I figured it probably wasn't. My skepticism was still intact and they never once made me feel inadequate or socially uncomfortable in any way. I just joined into the events of the home and was joyously welcomed. So, I figured it couldn't be all that bad. And if it was, wouldn't that be a story to tell!

The session started after a good lunch and we started by reading. Most of the text seemed to be derived from much of Frank's work. It takes many beliefs, philosophies, theories and faiths and blends them into a cohesive narrative that isn't particularly linear but rythmic. We did many things in that first session. I did some silly things. Some sexy things. It's like I was tight and Frank was loosening me up. I read one of his poems and started to cry. My recent hatred for the world came to the surface and I realized that I came to Frank for help. Help to see that the world wasn't some hateful damnation and that humans weren't some screwed up naked monkeys hell bent on destroying everything.

When speaking with Frank, I didn't see the pointer and board after awhile - but I did need to write some things down every so often. What got me was that looking into Frank's eyes said so much. Like support, understanding. Like a friend only a guide - a teacher. One you really like.

I had a great time that night. Afterwards was a glow that took hours to simmer down. My face in a permanent grin. Dinner was fulfilling and then I dragged myself to bed. The next morning I figured I was still anxious about the next session. But how bad could it be? What other crazy things am I gonna do? Ha!

That'll be in part 3. (maybe the last part?)


p.s. reliving this is great therapy!

5 days in Lila: part 3

I wasn't expecting to be so elated after the first session. I couldn't stop smiling and my knees felt rubbery. When I woke up the next day the sun was shining and I went for a ride on the bike out to the organic cafe where the trio took me for dinner Sunday night. It's a great place that cooks macrobiotic vegetarian food and has a workshare program and benches that everyone sits at. I ate lunch while having a chat with a gentleman who seemed much younger in years than he actually admitted. I was feeling very peaceful and small talk wasn't difficult. A very pleasant day all around.

I was still a bit nervous about the next session. I mean, there were 4 more days to go! What the hell would I be doing? Many things were coming to the surface of my mind and i tried to remember many of them so I could discuss them with Frank. I began to remember times in my life that felt kinda shameful and it was a little confusing but I remained in trust to myself that this was a healing process. I was becoming aware of how my whole life has been a discovery, one that will never end, and that I was uncovering deep seeded fears from years gone by. These things had always been sitting upon shelves in my mind, getting dusty but never less present. Now I was blowing off the dust and really looking at them. Then I understood the meaning of the lovers in the cave.

During the first session, Frank told me that we were in the cave and that we were lovers in every sense. Not specifically sexual lovers, but sexy for sure. Playful and childish. During the day before the second session I became aware as to what it meant. We were lovers with lives entwined. I have that experience with Nic and I understood what the trust meant and why I wanted to explore some of my most intimate memories at the next session. I had been feeling a little homesick when I arrived on Saturday, however, that sick feeling was now replaced with a feeling of love. I felt truly loved and it felt good.

The second session started. Frank asked me to put on a more colourful top, and I agreed - maybe not verbally but I totally agreed and dove into the trunk with abandon. I found a great number all red and orange with stripes and patterns. Matched the red skirt with tribal faces. The whole point of the sessions was to be open. Open physically and mentally and emotionally and verbally and spiritually. Just open up. So the clothes were open. When we talked we touched. It felt like lovers, friends, comfortable yet always with that 'what the blazin begeezes is gonna come next?!' feeling. Exciting yet relaxed. Balanced.

We talked a lot about chero and something called vere which is pleasurable 'pain' (not like totally painful pain, but the pain that you would get like from a tatoo or something). This really struck a chord in me because I have noticed my reaction to vere. It had frightened me at first since it seemed so overwhelming but while reading Frank's script of the day and finding out that this was actually an ancient way of attaining spiritual ends it started to make more sense to me. A lot of what I read during our times in the cave seemed to answer questions that hadn't yet formulated in my mind. I also found this talking with Linda, that many things I wanted to know where made available to me before I could clearly see them. I asked questions too but the information coming at me was pretty intense. Now I know why it's called an intensive. And I made it worse by only staying 5 days.

I found that the writing of the second session overlapped some of the points from the first only the information revealed a little more. Unwrapping truths. I wouldn't have understood this if I had only participated once. The second day was deeper than the first. I was fully in trance and melting with Frank, the cave, the garden. I think at one point Linda went into the storage shed which is attached to the studio and the noise fully freaked me out. i jumped as paranoia that someone was violently trying to get in washed over me. I probably freaked Frank out more than the sound did. Whew! i had to laugh and then it wasn't so hard to get back into the melting.

Afterwards I was smiling again. I couldn't help it. It was a natural reaction. My knees were rubbery as I made my way back into the house. Ummmmm...dinner, and Feisto! Then to bed.

(more parts to come!)

love jen

5 days in Lila: part 4

Well, memory is taking its toll and I'm mixing things up, but only in a linear way. What happened during which session is blurring together. So, just to bring myself up to speed....

The first session was gentle and soft. An easing in. The second, quite the opposite - hardcore. I was dunking my head in. After the second session I was really excited for the third. I didn't care what happened next, I was ready. However, I wasn't sure if I would make leaps and bounds through every session like it felt I did during the second. There were 3 more days and I knew there would be more suprises.

I awoke to Linda's voice...on the intercom. Freaked me out. Thought they were trying to tell me something so I got outta bed and went into the house. Ha! It just didn't get turned off from the night before. The intercom is used so that Frank can get you to call Linda or Mikee into the studio. In fact, Frank Linda and Mikee have made that place so organized, simple and clean that all you need is there. Tons of books and pictures and records and cds - and yet no mess! How do they do it? When I told Nic he said "like magic!" and it was. So colourful and quaint and cozy. Even with all Frank's rigging and gear you hardly notice. It all blends in with tie-dyed glory. The computers, the phones, the bike that appeared after I mentioned wanting to ride one - all of it there when you need it. Better than any Best Western around. And it was very communal in itself and then extending to the house down the street and others in the area and then there I was all the way from the northeast.

Another beautiful day to take a bike ride. Another craving for Picante's mexican food. I was anxious for the session so I just took it easy until it was time. I was getting nervous about how intense the last session had been. Had I been too much? Too pushy? Too aggressive? I know I have that in my nature. At the show on Saturday night I was dancing a little too aggressively and bonked my head against Linda and probably a couple of other people as well. All this coming out. Like puss from a wound.

That was the first thing I mentioned once the session started. And Frank put it pretty simply EJECT THE TAPE. Ok, so easily said than done. But was it really just an annoying tape in my head that I had the power to destroy? Yes. I had thought it was some part of myself that I had to incorporate into me or supress probably making worse. But put this way...maybe it was that simple. Then he told me I'm good at faking it and I understood what he meant right away. I have a lot of tapes inside my head telling me that I've done something wrong or that I'm not good enough (for what? anything) or that I did this too much or too little. Making me feel like shit. Me making me feel like shit. What a shit. See? There it is. However, if I allowed my life to be run by these tapes I sure wouldn't have ever found myself at FLM's doing what I was doing. I have faked myself around these tapes. Oh sure, I give them power by just letting them exist. But then I override them and tell myself to go for it. To do what makes you happy. Even if you're a no good shit - get out there and have fun!!! OK, so if I'm faking it why don't I just eject the damn things and then I don't have to struggle around them, right? I'm ejecting tapes everyday. And everytime I do, something magical happens. I still have some that run and others I thought I ejected come back again, but I just eject them everytime I can. What work! Life is work! And I'm dedicated to making my life work.

Before the session I heard Frank ask Mikee to get the sticks. Oh. There they lay on the table beside me - heavy wood sticks from Australia. We talked more about vere, going a little deeper with the subject. The feeling had frightened me at first because of its power and that I became more physically intense to the point of 'pain'. It had felt at times like I wanted to whack myself in the crotch. So, Frank told me to do that. With one of the sticks. And I did. I danced and beat my cunt like a drum. And my whole body felt like it was lit-up like a christmas tree. Then I had to call in Linda and Mikee to show them and we agreed that I would do that at the next performance I'm at. Oh yeah, and I got Nic to agree that he would be there too. Can't miss that one! The congo cunt!

Our third time in the cave was a combination of the first and second. I was in full trance. I love the little noises from Frank/Feisto like something small and close and tickling. Cooing gently and soothing. I miss it very much and it is getting harder to write because of this. Memories getting richer with time. Also mixing with my circumstances here. Walls are more evident. Things I'm afraid of are more apparent. But also I am more relaxed and more open. I knew this was a beginning. Like learning to fly - I am the student learning from the teacher but now the teacher is no longer with me physically/intensely so I have to rely on my own power and what I've learned. And it is difficult for me to stay up sometimes. But I will continue to learn and continue to do and then someday I will soar!

After the session we watched Unlimited Possibilities and Big Willie was on. Great show! You make Jay Leno look boring. Good dinner. Very tired. Good night.


5 days in Lila: part 5

I had to be up at 11am in order to meet Teresa. We were gonna go for a walk through some of the parks in the neighbourhood. I checked out a map and brought it with me. I knew Teresa through the e-salon and had read some of her poems. I also saw a photo of her when she got a chocolate cock for her birthday. I met her in person the night of the Freedom to be Human Ball. She seemed shy to me at first which I wasn't expecting and I admit that I also backed off a little when I noticed that she was so quiet. I usually think that about myself and in some company I am so quiet you can barely tell I'm breathing. And I notice that I tend to be more open and communicative with someone when they're like that too. So, my shyness came out and I was a little nervous about hanging out with her but nothing to really stop me. I knew we had stuff in common and that there would be plenty to do with each other.

I picked her up and we started our walk. First to a little park I had located on the map and then we would take it from there. We chatted and sat in the park for awhile. We both smoke but she had forgotten her pipe so I indulged in a clove and we checked out the map for another place to go. We found a very long skinny park and had a nice walk through it til we ended up at this crazy climbing equipment. It was metal and very abstract with a lot to climb on. Teresa felt it up while I went to go down the huge slide, but it had a baloney sandwich smeared down it so I went down the smaller curly slide instead. Anti-climax. So, I went back to Teresa and had another smoke. We were talking about Frank and what it means to be a part of the community. I asked a lot of questions and Teresa was open and also seemed to be coming to some conclusions herself. At one point a teenage stud muffin comes up to us to take a better look at Teresa. He thought he had recognized her so we introduced each other and shook his hand. Then I waited a beat and didn't feel that T was gonna feel him up. She was supposed to feel up everyone since that's her way of checking out what people look like. So just before he got away I asked him if T could feel his face. He said sure right away without any hesitation. He was really nice and took off right away to go wait for a friend. He seemed a little nervous and you could just feel the energy. To take that energy and work with it, turn it into something. If he had stayed and talked. You know, that's where Frank lives. He grabs those moments. Whatever anyone else does is ok but he's there and anything is possible. And that's where Frank is, and he's trying to show us that we're all there we just have to see it.

T and I continued through the park and then went to get lunch. Hey, we're right near that Smokey Joe's place FLM told me about. Let's go! New meaning to the blind leading the blind but T did fine and rescued me from getting lost a couple of times.
When we walked in I told her how many people were there ( 2 at the counter and 2 behind the counter) and then I said it would be easy to feel them all up. So I went to the bathroom as she proceeded to touch everyone in the restaurant.

T and I had talked about Frank wanting her to do this and how she felt about it and how I saw it. After asking the guy in the park whether T could feel him up left me feeling a little like a school kid again when I would whisper answers to the kids who were called on but didn't know the answers. The teacher would always scold me for it and so I felt for just a little while like Frank would scold me for helping her. She had to do it. She wanted to do it! That was the thing. She was just afraid to. and so I said the worst that could happen is they say no and you learn something. But that is easier said than done. The person has to come to terms with that on their own. And she was. Right then and there.

The guys behind the counter were great and talked to us the whole time. We even got a name and phone #! I was so amazed! But I figured Berkeley would be one of the easiest places for that to happen. When we got home, full and happy and still talking about our childhoods etc. I left T and then told the whole story to FLM. I wasn't afraid of telling that I had helped her because Frank really isn't the kind of teacher that will scold you. He kicks ass! And besides, what the hell did I do wrong anyway? Then I discovered T wanted to ask me to eroplay and we had agreed to meet the next day, but she hadn't asked me yet. Those little mexican jumping beans in my stomach didn't calm down right up until she did. (more on that later)

The sessions started later and later as the week went on. I didn't mind at all and in fact I found that instead of read which I really wanted to do - those Paul Krassner books are still on my list - I really really wanted to just sit with Frank and Linda and talk. Mikee was usually in the kitchen or garden or on the computer but he came and joined in at times too. The stories were incredible! I've told some of them to people here and every jaw drops and all you hear from the listeners are "whoa" and "wow". And none of those stories even had any nudity! They have no idea.

Frank had said that talking was part of the session. I think just about every experience I had was. When we talked we were relaxed and comfortable. I never felt as though anything had to be hurried. Everything had its time and so i never really noticed time lagging on or anything. There was a certain rhythm to each day.

During each time with Frank, I read a script that he wrote. I forget the exact words, but I will re-read them soon. Much of the writing was repeated in greater context the next day until the final day when the whole myth of the magical experience becomes actual and fully realized. Ecstatic experiences, dancing and storytelling, healing, pleasurable pain, sensual communication with the world, and the birth of our self-consciousness. Beefy stuff.

I would read while caressing Frank and sometimes the reading would be interrupted with discussion. There wasn't a lot of holding back. At one point, we discussed responsibility - a personal favorite. About how we're all responsible for us since, ya know, we're all part of the same big mass of stuff. I then mentioned 'bush' and then went headlong into a whirlwind of how we're responsible for him. And I guess I went down that slippery slope pretty fast. The usual territory. It took Frank a lot of yellin to derail me. I was told not to bring him into it. Then I acted like a real kid and I zipped right up. I didn't understand and so I threw a silent tantrum by dryly reading on - turning dry or cold - both metaphors work. And I figured he would ask me what was up. That's what I wanted because I was afraid to bring it up again but I needed it explained to me. And when Frank asked me, he asked me how I felt and I said I felt confused and he explained it to me. I was taking responsibility for people like corrupt politicians, but I can really only be responsible for what I do. I can really only speak from my own mouth, move my own hands. I had been taking the weight of all the assholes of the world on my shoulders. A lot of this is because I can see their weakness and I can identify with it. I suppose we all can. But they have choices as I do and they have chosen the low road. And I guess it's time for me to stop punishing myself for their choices.

I like Frank's word for intimite - small. Our playing felt that way. Like whispers or tickles or smiles between two people. Such tiny expresses that pack a great deal of information. Very small.

After the euphoria set in we feasted as we watched the Black Panther bio. Strong stuff and makes me mad. But very glad to have seen that bio as it taught me a lot about things I have been misinformed about. I fell asleep as my head hit the pillow..just like it's gonna do tonight.


5 days in Lila: part 6

The last day was a busy one. I awoke around 11am and got ready to ride to Richmond. The Burnt Ramen to be specific where JTB resides and where he keeps his cd's. I wanted to buy a cd because I saw him play during the performance the first night I arrived. Screaming angry punk lyrics over acoustic with Frank singing and dancing on the side - so right on!!! I was so moved I had to join in during Fist Fuck the Pope and Fuck the Fascist USA. Yellin along with Jesse Cleopatra James and Linda and others really made me feel like I was among people who understood me a little, and of course JTB was just giving a voice to the frustrated screaming in my head. I know that's what punk is all about because once I grew up I listened a little and got into some of it and John the Baker is totally the real shit man. He's fuckin hardcore punk rocker 4 ever!!! And I totally admire that dedication. And the songs are good!

So, I rode there. Took about an hour. When I got there John was in a small back room that was a little like a jail cell with no bars. He was setting up his record player so he could listen to his old 45s. We sat at a wooden desk while he played me some classics. I love the names but can't remember a lot of them now. Slimy Penis Breath takes the cake though. We talked and I lost track of time. About _ hr had passed and I knew I had to meet Teresa soon but I told him that I had to get back to eat. He said that they would keep it warm for me for when I got back and then he said "do you know everyone eats together in that house?". That was cool. I was really amazed by his gentleness and innocence. JTB convinced me to stay a little longer and we gabbed some more. The ride home was fun. Felt like I went twice as fast as I did getting there.

I got back to the house and had to eat something but the only thing I wanted was ice cream - peanut butter/chocolate. I ate a bowl and headed off down the street to T's. When I got there we talked a bit and had a smoke. She put some coffee on. I was nervous because she was gonna ask me to eroplay. So, when it started to get unbearable I thought, I'll just ask her. But no, I waited because I was even more nervous to ask! So she went to lock the door and I knew this was it. Then she blurted it out and I said yes and the tension just went away right then. I asked if we would go into the bedroom. No, on the couch in front of the webcam?! OK! I was naked in no time flat. Let's get down to business.

How very refreshing. Another woman. Curves familiar but not. And so soft. Her long straight hair felt like silk and we melted on the patchwork couch in front of a window to the digitized world. It was so much fun and so relaxing. Everything I was learning became more pertinent but I didn't think about it much. Just let the warmth enclose us and felt glowing happiness. Oh yeah, and I kept hoping someone I knew was watching us on the web.

When I got back to the house FLM said they watched! No screen captures though. Yeah! Another boundary crossed! Another hurdle overcome! The more I did it the better I felt. All my fears were naught because once done I felt better than ever! Not that I accomplished this one task, although that's a small part of it. More like, I explored a dangerous part of myself, a fearful part and nothing happened except that I felt really good. Like the light turned on somewhere and you know that you can do more now because that light is leading you out farther into the reaches of the unknown - the unlimited possibilities. Ah ha!

The last session was very special because we couldn't believe it had gone by so fast and this would be the last time we saw each other for awhile. Well, until September at least. So, I read the last portion just trying to revel in the feeling of being there. I have recently read all the sections again and have a better clarity about what it's saying. However, reading it for the first time that night really made an impact because it was so obvious to me that I had met you because I was looking for someone just like you. I was looking for someone who had taken a good look at what was going on and had realized how to change it. I have been very frustrated with the world lately. Since leaving college I've seen a lot of greed, dishonesty and cruelty in the so-called "adult" world. And sometimes it can be overwhelming, especially when you find yourself working for a bank on the 62nd floor of a huge tower filled to the tits with the straightest tightest soul-sucked and soul-sucking drones who all want you to be like them, think like them, play their frightful games of extravagance and glamour. Glamour is a guilded cage.

I was looking for something. Looking through writings on the web and in books. Looking for it everywhere, the tv, movies, plays, at work, through talking with others. A sense of sanity that I wasn't the only one with big questions needing answers. I didn't care if anyone thought I was a freak because I knew we all are. That the brain - our minds contain the tools that we can use to change our reality. And that if i was a freak for lookin, they were all bigger freaks for ignoring it. My discoveries lead me to quantum physics and yoga and meditation and tantra and psychedelics.

All these bits of information and all these different voices was like a schmorgesborg of information. I wanted some help with it, someone who had been around a little longer, had more time to think, more experience to draw from. I didn't want to seek a psychologist or psychiatrist as I figured they were part of the problem. Books and other media were ok but too detached. I would type things into search engines like "what is the true nature of reality?" and I found some really cool stuff. So, one day I decided that I would find a shaman. I knew shamans deal with the unseen world(s) and that they transform negative energy into positive energy. I typed in "Toronto Shaman" and up popped Frank. He had been in town the summer before doing a performance called Dying Is Sexy.

There are so many thoughts I have and so many things to say but the words are just flowing out uncontrollably. Basically what I want to say is that you were exactly what I was looking for. Intimate as you can get and many of the pieces of the puzzle worked out in honest work/experience/life. Which just proves all that I've learned, that you really create your own reality. I wanted/needed you and I am so happy that we've met and played together. I have just begun! All the searching will not stop but continue with more of a foundation that has been built with strength and love and more intimacy with others/life/this world. I was nervous coming to your place. I didn't know if I'd fit in or if it would be unbearable in one way or another. Bailing crossed my mind but just fleetingly. I was gonna go for sure, staying was another matter. Concentrated skepticism which practically melted away when Linda greeted me with open arms. All my fears just disappeared and by early in the week I wanted to stay longer. It was positively magic. Just what the doctor ordered.

After reading, I was told Linda was gonna whip me. We had a good laugh about it and talked about s&m a little. The grand finale! The whipping was really nice. We were all naked and it must have looked pretty kinky but it really felt good. Tickly at first and then like a massage. When it started to sting, which took a while, I was wincing and after a few seconds we stopped. Gets the blood flowing! Now I'm into whips although I don't have one or anything. I like talking to people and it's always fun bringing up the topic.

Then Frank and I played together and I read a story about the magical cave of Lila. Like a mirror reflecting itself, the story was reflecting us on the bed playing. It was so beautiful with the garden lights and the warmth of the studio. We melted caressed and fondled and stroked breathing sighing gently. Just to feel good. Just to feel elated! Succumbing to pleasure. Enjoying life.

We watched more of the Black Panther biography and it pissed me off. I was practically growling at the screen and for some stuff I just couldn't watch. That kind of police brutality makes me sick. We talked about servaillence which fed into my dream that morning and I awoke slightly paranoid with thoughts of being on candid camera. I left early. The morning was clear and bright. Corey and Alexi came around back to see if I was up. I got ready to go and felt such sadness. I didn't really want to go. It had been too fast. I cried a little and then got myself to gether to meet T in the car. We had a good chat to the airport.

Since being back I've had some time to digest my experience. For a little while I really missed being there. Then I felt kinda down about being where I was. So I rode it out and kept trusting. And I've just made a powerful realization lately. That I was confused after college. Expected and told and brainwashed into believing that I needed good job, one that would let me "climb" to success which translated into money and power. Really, I just told myself I wanted one of those cool industry jobs where you get to listen to music, wear jeans everyday and play pool on breaks but it was the same thing. After all these years and many interviews and golden carrots dangling I know that I didn't get any of those jobs because I wouldn't really do the one thing they all needed me to do - conform. Climb the ladder. Want the moola. Want the glamour. I told myself I wanted it, I needed it, but it was obvious to everyone that I really don't. And I don't. That's why I am where I am right now. I'm not interested in that. I'm more interested in learning.

So, with this realization I thought back to when I was young and what I've always wanted to do. What are my real dreams that I've nurished since I can remember? Not to have a glamourous job, control others, or count money. I never dreamed of that. I never dreamed of eating at fancy restaurants or wearing designer clothes. I dreamed of being creative. Building things, investigating, discovering, learning. I dreamed of imagining things and then creating them. I always wanted to collaborate with other creative people. I love the energy that arises from a group of people all creating something together - dreams entwined. I do this for myself and I will never stop. I love to focus but also to mingle. Knowing that I'm part of something larger than myself. This does not translate into money and power. This translates into a full spectrum life of searching and discovering and learning and feeling. I don't know where it will lead me, but I know my dreams are still intact, still softly crouched in my wakan mind. My washte brain just eclipsed it a little.

With this I have more confidence to continue. I'm going to move toward getting work more suited to what I want. I have always believed that life is work and that I will never retire. I will always do what I enjoy and some of the comprimises I have to make today are just a portion of the path I'm on. Since my dreams are intact, I know I'm always working toward them. And what I will have when they're realized will be more valuable than anything glamour is selling.

Wow! I hope I got everything I wanted to say in here. This is the final part and I'm glad you've enjoyed it. It really has helped me make sense of it all but there is so much more I just don't have the words for yet.

Thank you for such a wonderous time. I can't wait until we play together again!

Congo Cunt here I come!

love jen

Jen Wilson

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Last modified October 1, 2002