- Explicit Work
by Jennifer Wilson
Before our first session, I spent the day on Solano Ave. which is a kinda
yuppie street but as I was biking up and down it I saw some anti-war stickers
and graffiti. There was a van with all kinds of things painted all over
it like "Impeach Bush for leading us into genocide" and stuff
like that. Hardcore stuff. This is what I think is so interesting right
now. The underground in the U.S. is becoming so deep by what is going on
with their administration and the corporatisation of the nation. It is
the front lines of a war that seems to be endless, between the controllers
and those who will not be controlled. The people who want power over people
vs. those who want all the people to be powerful. So I had to get photos
of this stuff. I wandered around until the photography shop opened, then
I bought some film and began snapping.
I was taking it easy and the sun was very warm. It was a beautiful day.
For some reason, though, I could feel my mood shifting into irritation.
I'm not sure why. When I deduced everything going on there was no need
to feel the way I did. After a little while I went over to Picante's to
lift my spirits. After stuffing myself with beef tacos and quesidillas,
I made my way back up Gilman taking photos as I went. I stopped by the
blue house to see if they were working on the back porch yet. I only saw
Corey who told me all about their plans for the back. It sounded really
great and I was trying to picture it all. I really love the creek so after
talking to Corey I went down to the next street where there is a place
to sit right at the edge of the water. I went down there and sat trying
to calm my mind. Something was bugging me but I didn't know what. I decided
that a nap was in order so I went back to the studio. Once there I fell
asleep easily but my dreams were tormented as I felt like I was fighting
something inside. I awoke and then went into the house where Linda and
Mikee were just getting up.
When I saw them I told them I just had a really awful dream. They said
that it wasn't me, that if everything going on in the here and now is alright,
dreams like those are probably picking up tension somewhere else and then
using all the images in my head to get attention. Linda said this helped
her a lot when Frank explained it and it did make sense to me as well because
there was nothing going on that I could tell to make me feel so horrible.
But I couldn't help shake the feeling that it was an ongoing struggle inside
of myself bringing up old frustrations and fears. Knowing that it was nothing
serious helped a lot and realizing that I didn't own those dreams seemed
to lesson their effect. As I talked to Linda and Mikee they seemed to get
farther and farther away.
I like to be there when Frank gets up and starts his day. I like to talk
or just sit around when he's beveraging and having juice. Then I eat lunch
with them. Then Linda or Mikee fix up a cup 'o tea for everyone. Then I
watch as Frank gets ready for our session. Just being with them during
these times is one of the most magical parts of this work. It may seem
boring but it is us getting to know each other on a deeper level. The initial
excitement and amazement has worn off but what is revealing itself is not
old and tired, it is deep and real. Things do not look the same way they
did the first time I stayed there. Now there is familiarity over time.
The house is lived in and I am no longer an outsider, a guest peaking in.
I feel like I am becoming a part of their place. This was my second full
day there and I didn't know what I would do for the remainder of my stay,
but it felt like this was enough, just hanging out with them.
I was planning on calling Kirsten later to see if she had any free time
to do something with me during the week. I just wanted to take a walk or
sit around talking somewhere. Before I could do this though, Kirsten was
on the phone and Linda gave it over to me to talk to her. I asked if she
wanted to do something and she went to look in her scheduler. She seemed
very busy Then I heard her say maybe Wednesday, but then she said "shit,
that's three sessions in one day". It wasn't a session with me I told
her and then I started feeling like I was giving her more grief than she
wanted. It didn't sound to me like she had an easy schedule where she could
say "Sure! Come over whenever you like!" so this picture in my
head, this expectation, was not jiving with what I was hearing and I was
getting upset. She said that Wednesday would be good and that we could
go to these hot tubs by her other apartment at 1pm. I said we didn't have
to do anything special but she said that these hot tubs would be fine.
Ok. When I got off the phone I guess I got in Frank and Linda's faces a
little by saying that I didn't think she really wanted to hang out, and
didn't they just do what we were doing together? Didn't they just hang
out together? Frank said they weren't hang out people. I understand what
he was saying to me. Also, given my aggressive and confused state, it was
a well deserved push back. While I'm there possibly hanging out, they are
always doing their routine. It doesn't end. Sometimes the plan changes
but they are completing all the tasks of the day while I just hang around.
I like to help and I do when it's needed but they have their stuff pretty
much down, like they could do it with their eyes shut. But all this I considered
hanging out, just doing/living together. Not special. Not nothing. Guess
I should have just asked Kirsten if I could come and help her with the
dishes then I suppose. I was angry and hurt. My routine started of inwardly
beating myself for feeling angry and hurt. Here I am feeling like a stepped
on worm and there's this bitchy voice in my head yelling "Look at
you feeling so sorry for yourself! Why do you care? It's all about you
isn't it! You're selfish and stupid." Oh, it just goes on and I sit
there and wallow in this mess.
We were down to the last hour before getting into the studio with Frank.
I decided to lighten up a little before we got there so I slowed down the
rate of degradation. That's the thing about FLM's place. There is so little
of that feeling, that loathsome self hate, that when it rears its ugly
head it is very noticeable. And in the presence of others who don't, well
they really don't tolerate it or feed into it or even really acknowledge
it, that can be the biggest help in stopping it. We went into the studio.
I was tense and all that I had thought I was gonna say wasn't there anymore.
The whole phone call with Kirsten didn't even enter my head. Frank asked
me why I was there and I pretty much just broke down. I didn't know why
I was there. I thought it was to help the world, to stop my self hate,
to continue the work. I really didn't know. I didn't know because sometimes
I think that we are all sitting very cozy out here and the real problem
is where there is war. I told Frank that sometimes I think I should be
in Palestine. He didn't like this. That's a very dangerous place! Girl
could get herself killed! But sometimes in my fear I'm not sure how to
stop the fighting and sometimes I think the only solution is to put as
many people as possible in front of those guns so that we stop them just
by our sheer numbers. Now I see that this is misguided for if I really
thought that would help, I would be there in an instant - not just using
it to feed my own dark thoughts.
Then it was laid out pretty simply for me, I was there because Frank, Linda
and Mikee are there, and everyone else of course. It is simple I want to
be with them. I love them. Frank asked me to stay and continue to work
with him. I said yes over and over again so that it would penetrate past
my block. Every now and then Frank would chuckle trying to get me back.
He reminded me that this is the front lines, what we are doing together
is helping everywhere. I started to understand what he was saying. He then
said that I just needed to remember and welcomed me back. We talked about
fuse and fusion. I read about magic work and focused skepticism. Then we
I did not really understand all that we had talked about. I can get pieces
of it from talking but not all of it. When we play is when what we talked
about goes deep into me and I feel it on a level that is beyond language,
older than language. I breathe deeply. My mind is still thinking, calmly
moving steadily, but I don't focus on any thoughts. I watch it all. I am
meditating but I am not alone. Not sitting by myself. I'm with Frank. I'm
active. We're bonding together in intimate senses. This is explicit work
and I feel powerful energies, not overwhelming but surging and strong,
that are not confined within our bodies. Not confined within the cave.
At one point I really felt Frank and I flowing in and out of one another.
All the while my mind is still thinking thoughts in the background. I don't
focus on any thoughts but I feel this feeling and it's good. It felt different
from all the other times we have played together. It was clearer and smaller
At one point Frank wanted to tell me something. I tried to spell him out
by reciting the alphabet. I got the letters "i" and "n" and
then I lost what he was saying. I had to buzz for Linda to help. She asked
me the letters I did get. I told her the 2 letters and then she said "in
- that's the word" and we all laughed! I am not used to spelling him
out! After that we continued our fusion. Time left my consciousness and
Frank and I were floating together. Deep love that is universal and endless.
I still don't understand it but I don't think it needs to be understood
in my mind at all. We finished with big grins to meet Linda and Mikee as
they came to get us.
Wow. We all went inside and I had that feeling I get when I'm there - all
excited and relaxed and amazed - only this time it was familiar and not
special. It was comforting and it felt just right. I was hungry and they
had changed the routine so that I got to eat shortly after coming in. They
realized that there was no point in me waiting for them, and Mikee just
gets it all ready for me while we're in the studio. Food! They definitely
aim to please. The food tasted better than ever! And I actually got to
bed at a reasonable time, 2am I think. I left them to their dinners and
alien movies and slid into bed.
to Part 3 >
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