Subject: coerced?

First, want to say I agree with Fred's statement that if you can't eroplay with a same-gendered person you can't eroplay at all. Mutually exclusive states of being.

As to feeling coerced, no, I never, ever felt coerced, even though that is the primary energy behind the predator state. To coerce something from another.

Do these predator energies arise from a belief that eros will never be freely given? That one must take it?

Awareness of the predator energy came first from observing the Apollonian eye in others [Fred Hatt speaks of this 'eye' in his recent contribution to the salon], and soon thereafter from a certain touch upon my breast during the early musical pileup.

It was that touch woke me abruptly from dream-floating on the bodies & music. Somehow immediately perceived that this touch was different from the rest. That it demanded something despite the fact that I was willing to give it.

'Demand' seems the operative word. Ah, coersion!

I didn't push the demand away except with the mind & perhaps body language as that touch caused me to bolt upright and shake my head.

What was different about that touch? I don't know, but will think on it here.

Differences in root sources of sexual energies are important for me to understand. To understand that there are differences at all and practice distinguishing them part of what lingers after the performance week with Frank/Linda/Mikee.

Innocent appreciation of the sexual self was early taken from me and I endeavor now as part of my journey to reclaim it in my conscious adult life.

Early performance-related impressions included awareness of the difference between adult and childlike sexual experience and motivation.

That there were those who remained in adult mode during the performance felt uncomfortable to me. Not surprising.

I think some of the predatory energy came from those who directed adult sexual energy toward those of us who were acting as children.

In that case the energy is out of balance.

As a group, however, we managed & transformed that energy successfully.

One of the highlights of the evening for me was after my tenure in the cave, taking a break, watching Fred dance with various people.

Re-experiencing the feeling it was to soar to watch Fred fly across so many borders / barriers. Heartening. Hopeful.

Seems to me Fred is one who really understood and acted upon many central lessons of eroplay. All evening Fred taught by example & action, whether dancing or cleaning up.

Michelle too. And brother Frank. Simone. Jen. And of course Frank/Linda/Mikee.

All of you felt extremely safe.

Safety in numbers.

There were enough of us in the child energy together that I could draw on our collective strength when things got strange; in the arms of collective strength I tangibly experienced every act as a choice, and specifically the choice as to how & whether to engage the adult energy.

In the exact moment of not taking it in, it disbursed.

I've never felt that slide off me before. It was empowering.

In a future performance I can envision engaging the adult, the stranded, the sad energies and wrapping them in childlike bliss.

In this one, it was enough to be in the presence of and not engage.


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